I am selfish.

For months, I have been the most selfish and unappreciative daughter in the world, without even realizing it. I owe all the happiness in my life, including what Stefan gives me, to my Dad. He's the reason why I am not one of the bums I see on the street everyday in Manhattan. He doesn't have to stay here in America and suffer the way he is, but he is because he wants to take care of me, and refuses to leave me here by myself. I kinda feel like I am happy, at his expense. Ever since "it" happened, I always assumed he was doing fine, and didn't dwell on the situation for long. But I'm naive, and I never for once seriously thought about how he felt inside. How can he get over such a thing so fast? 20 years of marriage doesn't disappear without leaving a huge bleeding scar.

Ever since she left, he's been fighting to hold what's left of the family together, under this house that both of them have worked so hard to call their own. It took them over ten years of backbreaking work to pay off the mortgage, but in the end, its what tears them apart. Their American dream was shattered by that one fucking bastard who tore my family apart. I will never forgive him. I will never let him live it down; all the pain he caused for my Dad and my family. We were once a happy family. Money was not a problem. What was once a reality has already started to become a dream. And because of that, my Dad feels like he failed as a man.

He's a strong man, he really is. I knew that he was having a hard time with paying the bills, I just never gave it much of a thought. He always managed to pay everything off, with his single paycheck, even with my mom being the nasty money leech that she is. He's lost his wife and his best friend, but managed to pull through the year by himself with some occasional help from friends and distant family. I, as his daughter, has done close to nothing to help him, mentally. In fact, I've done almost nothing but ask him to chauffeur me around, open my hands to ask for money, eat the food he cooks, and ignore him for everything else. I have friends who wish their parents treated them as well as my Dad treats me. But the only thing I've done is take advantage of him and be the ungrateful bitch that I am. Now that I take a step back to look at myself. What kind of daughter am I? I'm ashamed to call myself his daughter.

Why am I finally realizing this? I just had a wake up call, and I have to set a lot of things right in my head. He came into my room a couple hours ago and told me he wanted to go to China for a week or two because he's so miserable here. Without a thought, I immediately yelled at him for wasting money that we don't have. I made him feel guilty and didn't even look at him. Later during dinner, we had a talk. He told me how unhappy and lonely he felt. His family in china wanted him to go back for a week or two so they can cheer him up, and bring some warmth back into his life. He said he comes home everyday after work, watches TV, eats dinner and goes to sleep. On his only day off, he goes out by himself and thinks of meals to cook for me for the rest of the week. Sometimes I don't even call to tell him that I'm not coming home. Most of the time I end up not coming home to eat the food that he had bought for the week. Even so, he has never yelled at me for behaving this way. I almost cried at the dinner table because I realized what a horrible daughter I have been, and didn't realize how unhappy he was. Back at my room, I sat and thought through a lot of things and began to write here. Money has been one of the things that has made him so unhappy for almost a year now. For once he wants to use it to make him happy. Even though the trip will only last two weeks, he really deserves a break from all the pain he's been through this year. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to make more of an effort to be a better daughter. I don't know how I'd live with myself if god forbid tomorrow was the last day I saw him. I need to start growing up, now.

Untouchable- Quiet Storm Vol.1

So this Korean duo released their debut album Jan 7th, 2009. I gave it a listen on my way to Manhattan and fell in loooooooove with it. That album really is a piece of work. I liked every song except for like two: Top Sweety and some other one. Since they're still quite new, I couldn't find much information about them....even their names :( I noticed how they have a lot of featured songs, but only one or two songs with only them. I really dont know how thats going to affect their career because all of their best songs include this guy named Hwa Young singing in it. At first I thought he was part of the group because he is featured in like four of their songs. All of which, are very very good. I think they should just officially recruit him to become part of the band. If they did, Untouchable has the potential to become even better than Epik High because Hwa Young can singgg. On the other hand, the songs that have no featured people are not so good (except 'This is Love').

sidenote- both of the guys are pretty fugly though lool. esp the skinny dude with the weird mustache and weird glasses 8x

Driving Me Crazy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enm6q_yXd2o

Tell Me Why
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZjx4XbVYNI

Its Okay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-WKAK5d0B8

lala

Ciara feat. Young Jeezy- Never Ever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jL6YD0rU2Io

Koda Kumi- Driving
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mWOkymdSbk

SNSD- Gee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boJQoNByJT8

Brown Eyed Girls- How Come
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1Tg0uJf6F0

DBSK- Evergreen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVbVBeTGYv0

DBSK- Traveling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRNgjAMOyMg

day 1

i'm sad.

/pouts

omg Jay<3

After going to his concert Sunday, which was, amazing as usual, I got back into my Jay crazeeeee. I almost forgot how much I loved his music a couple of years back. I listened to him like nonstop lol. Now for a list of all of all my favs =D (I dont know the english names for some of these songs :\)

1. Ting mama de hua (Listen to mama's words) AHHH MY FAVORITE ONEE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9PFQSVZdzM


2. Ke ai nu ren (Adorable women)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wJT-sj-c30

3. Long juan feng (tornado)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBS_9yXT-qY

4. Nocturne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAiQ7sar6GU

5. Fa ru xue (Hair Like Snow)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQWu_0qJcCI

6. Yang guang zhai nan (Sunshine Boy)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjcOOLKLdsU

7. Wu Shuang (Unparalleled)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUu4QkXAlHQ

8. Wo Bu Pei (I'm not worthy)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQyrKQ-xpSI

9. Tian tian de (Sweetness)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4rYq5GMhPM

10. 夜的第七章- (Twilight Seven)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yzaHmRMO9w

11. Qian li zhi wai
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3poYP_z-kOE

12. Ni ting de dao (Can you hear it)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npJlMwEirss

13. East wind breaks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-QLd91L_Zk

14. Qian Tian (Clear Day)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PW9FaLHpQpk

15. Duan le de xian (Broken String)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnXDFh3aVjQ

16. Long Zhan Ji Shi (Dragon Knight)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NkW8TbqH1g

17. Dao Xiang (Fragrance Rice)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btTWfCHKSqs

18. Qi Li Xiang (Orange Jasmine)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX1Hicf3myg

19. Jie kou (Excuse)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLfHnWTelik

20. Yuan You Hui (Garden Festival)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_4BdBIt1eQ

21. Ye ye pao de cha (Tea Brewed by Grandpa)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQRlyvnfyCw

21. Ai zai xi yuan qian (Love Before the Century)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JpXL3ou_4U

22. Jian dan ai (Simple Love)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URz-wKttvWQ

23. Kai bu liao kou (Cannot speak)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtKhrZfykIA

24. An jing (Silence)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKc1ngYo5Q0

25. Bu neng shuo de mi mi (A Secret I can't tell)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWCZaNxXunY

Music for your ears

The All-American Rejects

Another Heart Calls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzDvRT6liXQ

Damn Girl
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCOOAiKd73o

I wanna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhnmVu40Emw

Akon
Be with you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_HILRPKyZA

Birthmark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yt1RomTqDUk

1 Month Anniversary with Stefan<3

"wo xiang wo yi man man xi huan ni
yin wei wo yong you ai qing de yong qi"

Today marks the first month I've been together with Stefan. Actually, the official day is tomorrow, the 20th, because I just didn't like the 19th of November lol. But whatever, either day works. I'd like to think I have two anniversary days instead of one now, hehe. Everyday I get to spend with Stefan feels like it only lasted an hour. I've spent like nearly 30 something hours with him these past two days, and it felt like a maximum of five hours. I'm truly happy with him. I can't imagine life in college without meeting someone like him. Even though we spend most of our time just staring and smiling at each other, I love every minute of it. Yesterday, I was supposed to make him breakfast in bed, so I got cha-siew bao's. Being the failure that I am, I couldn't even do it right because I've never steam cooked them before. I even forgot the orange juice -_-.. bleh.. Anyway, I wanna write it all down if I ever forget today. It was just very special to me.

This morning, was our unofficial anniversary day. He brought me breakfast in bed: my favorite 2 eggs and bacon with S.P.K on a roll, a glass of OJ and a pretty rose. He ran out in the blizzard to get them. I was so touched T__T.. Oh dammit dammit. I just remembered I forgot to bring the other half of that roll back home. Wahh I was going to eat that too >_>. But yea, I was just really really happy. I still felt like a failure because I can't do anything that matches up to what he does. But I try, real hard. Again I felt bad because I didn't really plan anything for our anniversary. I just planned to spend all my time with him today, but I think he was happy with that XD. We planned a whole day of fun at Rockefeller to take pictures with the Christmas lights, but the weather decided to take a shit on us and snowed/hailed/rained and we ended up watching movies instead. BAH w.e FUCK YOU weather *shakes fist*. We still had fun ;)

Stefan took me to eat at Good restaurant. When I walked over to my table, there was a little Kon doll, a green box, and a little note with my name on it; sitting there waiting for me. I was so not expecting to see that, lmao, I was so happy. I sat there smiling and laughing like a dumbass, especially when I opened the box. It was a heart shaped necklace! I mean, I was expecting him to get to me a necklace because we've talked about necklaces before, but I wasn't expecting it so soon. Anyway, I love it. It's so pretty and sparkly *-*. We ate a nice dinner together and took some pics. I plan to take all the pics we ever took and put them in a scrap book in the future tehhe. Despite the weather being so crappy, it was such a lovely night. I'm in such a good mood~

No matter how many times I'll say it, I truly am happy that he gave me such a wonderful night. Even though the weather was shit, it was still a perfect day. A perfect anniversary.