Why, hello.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Damn.

It seems like the only time I write in here is whenever I have a new revelation, or if I need to beat myself up. Well today is another one of those days.

It's been a week into soph year in college, and shit, has things changed. Classes are alright. They definitely require much more work out of me than last semester did. But then again, any schedule without the disgusting word MATH on it, is bound to be the best schedule I'll ever hope to get.

I am finally moving out of Staten Island this Saturday. So far, I have been psyched to leave this shithole because I'm so sick of paying close to $200 a month just to travel to Manhattan for school. Moving to Brooklyn and paying only $83 a month sounds like heaven (but of course I wouldn't mind paying 0). I'd have so much more to spend on food and clothes. More money to save.

Right before I was about to take a shower tonight, I heard this whiny noise coming from my Mom's room. Apparently she was on the phone with someone. So I stood by her door and eavesdropped a bit, until I realized that she wasn't whining. She was crying. It all came at a pretty big surprise to me. Ever since my parents officially decided to divorce, I just pushed the idea to the back of my mind and continued to live my life. I never gave it an extra thought unless it was forcefully brought back to my attention. It bothered me to think about it. It annoyed the shit out of me that two people could be so stubborn and immature. I was more annoyed at my Mom than at my Dad because she was willing to give so much up because of her stupid pride.

Anyway. It came at a surprise to me that she was crying because she always seemed like she didn't care about me and my dad anymore. She puts up such a huge front, like shes a tough and strong woman who doesn't need to take anyone's shit. Honestly, I believed every second of it until I heard her cry. I heard her say to whoever she was phoning with, "There's nothing left" " I lost everything I ever worked for" "As I pack my things, my whole heart aches".

And then it dawned on me. Holy shit...I am losing my house. Sure its in Shitten Island, but it is still a house. My family's own property. All this time, I've been so excited and clouded about the idea of moving closer to school and boyfriend for my own convenience, that I didn't think-> KAREN. YOU DONT OWN A HOME ANYMORE. YOU NOW HAVE TO DEPEND ON OTHER FAMILIES TO GIVE YOU A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD. YOUR PARENTS JUST LOST EVERYTHING THEY EVER WORKED FOR. I didn't realize that in exchange for a closer home from school, I went from owning two homes...to owning none.

And then I thought...."more money to save from transportation"? My dad now has to pay $1400 per month for rent starting this month. All of the sudden, my saving $117 per month on transportation didnt seem like such large sum of money anymore. $1,400 does.

How long did it take me to realize the real amount I am gaining compared to what I am losing? The reality of divorce and moving didn't hit me until 4 days before I'm supposed to move out of here. I lost my apartment in China, a house in America, a family that was once very happy and together, my mom's love and friendship, furniture, a washing machine, money, BBQ grills, and a life where I could have been very happy if none of this shit ever happened.

However, I gained a big room to myself in an apt that I don't even own.

Friday, March 6, 2009

I am selfish.

For months, I have been the most selfish and unappreciative daughter in the world, without even realizing it. I owe all the happiness in my life, including what Stefan gives me, to my Dad. He's the reason why I am not one of the bums I see on the street everyday in Manhattan. He doesn't have to stay here in America and suffer the way he is, but he is because he wants to take care of me, and refuses to leave me here by myself. I kinda feel like I am happy, at his expense. Ever since "it" happened, I always assumed he was doing fine, and didn't dwell on the situation for long. But I'm naive, and I never for once seriously thought about how he felt inside. How can he get over such a thing so fast? 20 years of marriage doesn't disappear without leaving a huge bleeding scar.

Ever since she left, he's been fighting to hold what's left of the family together, under this house that both of them have worked so hard to call their own. It took them over ten years of backbreaking work to pay off the mortgage, but in the end, its what tears them apart. Their American dream was shattered by that one fucking bastard who tore my family apart. I will never forgive him. I will never let him live it down; all the pain he caused for my Dad and my family. We were once a happy family. Money was not a problem. What was once a reality has already started to become a dream. And because of that, my Dad feels like he failed as a man.

He's a strong man, he really is. I knew that he was having a hard time with paying the bills, I just never gave it much of a thought. He always managed to pay everything off, with his single paycheck, even with my mom being the nasty money leech that she is. He's lost his wife and his best friend, but managed to pull through the year by himself with some occasional help from friends and distant family. I, as his daughter, has done close to nothing to help him, mentally. In fact, I've done almost nothing but ask him to chauffeur me around, open my hands to ask for money, eat the food he cooks, and ignore him for everything else. I have friends who wish their parents treated them as well as my Dad treats me. But the only thing I've done is take advantage of him and be the ungrateful bitch that I am. Now that I take a step back to look at myself. What kind of daughter am I? I'm ashamed to call myself his daughter.

Why am I finally realizing this? I just had a wake up call, and I have to set a lot of things right in my head. He came into my room a couple hours ago and told me he wanted to go to China for a week or two because he's so miserable here. Without a thought, I immediately yelled at him for wasting money that we don't have. I made him feel guilty and didn't even look at him. Later during dinner, we had a talk. He told me how unhappy and lonely he felt. His family in china wanted him to go back for a week or two so they can cheer him up, and bring some warmth back into his life. He said he comes home everyday after work, watches TV, eats dinner and goes to sleep. On his only day off, he goes out by himself and thinks of meals to cook for me for the rest of the week. Sometimes I don't even call to tell him that I'm not coming home. Most of the time I end up not coming home to eat the food that he had bought for the week. Even so, he has never yelled at me for behaving this way. I almost cried at the dinner table because I realized what a horrible daughter I have been, and didn't realize how unhappy he was. Back at my room, I sat and thought through a lot of things and began to write here. Money has been one of the things that has made him so unhappy for almost a year now. For once he wants to use it to make him happy. Even though the trip will only last two weeks, he really deserves a break from all the pain he's been through this year. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to make more of an effort to be a better daughter. I don't know how I'd live with myself if god forbid tomorrow was the last day I saw him. I need to start growing up, now.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Untouchable- Quiet Storm Vol.1

So this Korean duo released their debut album Jan 7th, 2009. I gave it a listen on my way to Manhattan and fell in loooooooove with it. That album really is a piece of work. I liked every song except for like two: Top Sweety and some other one. Since they're still quite new, I couldn't find much information about them....even their names :( I noticed how they have a lot of featured songs, but only one or two songs with only them. I really dont know how thats going to affect their career because all of their best songs include this guy named Hwa Young singing in it. At first I thought he was part of the group because he is featured in like four of their songs. All of which, are very very good. I think they should just officially recruit him to become part of the band. If they did, Untouchable has the potential to become even better than Epik High because Hwa Young can singgg. On the other hand, the songs that have no featured people are not so good (except 'This is Love').

sidenote- both of the guys are pretty fugly though lool. esp the skinny dude with the weird mustache and weird glasses 8x

Driving Me Crazy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enm6q_yXd2o

Tell Me Why
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZjx4XbVYNI

Its Okay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-WKAK5d0B8